A Mini Survival Guide For Bigots

Ok, people. Directive 221 is in effect. Anything you say or do that could be interpreted as bias against LGBTQIA+ or racial and ethnic minorities will, unless you are proven innocent, result in you being released from your job, deleted from social media, and cancelled from your social circle. Banks will freeze your funds, and your passport will be confiscated.

For this reason, since I know many of you are incapable of living without your wretched biases, I have put together this short guide outlining 5 tactics you can adopt to avoid becoming a non-person. Let’s begin.

1- Overcompensate

If you’re forced to deal with a disadvantaged or oppressed minority apply the 3x formula. Find their jokes 3x as funny, their conversation 3x as insightful, and their work 3x as impressive compared to that of a straight white male.


2- Apply Double Standards

Turn a blind eye to an oppressed person’s bad behaviour, celebrate the mundane things they do, and hold them on a pedestal just because of the colour of their skin or who they choose to sleep with.


3- Advertise Your Support Loudly

At dinner parties, work meetings, and BBQs loudly proclaim how awful it is that we don’t have a trans head of state, that there aren’t more black people at synagogues, and that gender studies PHDs can’t find six figure jobs straight out of college.


4- Censor Your Thoughts

If you start to judge someone by their character, stop yourself and remember it’s about skin colour and sexual preference. Black and brown people in 2021 are noble victims, LGBTQIA+ are oppressed pioneers, and heterosexual white people are privileged oppressors.


5- Plain Old Keep Your Mouth Shut

If you’re at a work function and one of your colleagues exclaims how incredible transexual story time is for toddlers – hold your tongue, smile, and nod. Grab the wine or beer in front of you and drink it slowly. Keep quiet and you’ll live to see another day.

And that’s it. 5 short and simple tactics to keep you, the silent and fearful majority, out of trouble. After all if you all lose your jobs I won’t have anyone to do my tax return, teach my kids, or deliver my groceries.

Take care bigots…


Oh Wait. Bonus One: Adopt A Foreign Child

Make sure they have a different skin colour to you because that’s definitely not racist.

Written by Arcadius Strauss.

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