Squid Game: Survival Of The Wokest

(Watch Illustrated Video Version: Rumble, YouTube)

A man in a pink uniform and full face mask steps forward and speaks.

“I would like to welcome you all to the Squid Game: Survival of the Wokest. Everyone here will participate in six different games over six days. Those who win all six games will share in a handsome cash prize of sixty-nine million dollars. Now please step forward and introduce yourselves.“

Player 1: “Hi team, I’m an HR manager at Koogle. My pronouns are she/her. I believe discrimination of any kind is wrong, which is why our hiring policy favours members of non-white, disadvantaged, or minority groups.”

Player 2: “Good morning all, I’m a professor at UCLA. I believe that gender and race defines who we truly are, and that this nation was built on the backs of brown, black, and LGBTQ+ people.”

Player 3: “Greetings, I’m a host at MSNBC. I take my duty of distilling truth and facts very seriously, which is why I hate Donald Trump and Conservatives.”

Player 4: “Hey, I’m an Antifa activist. I believe anything is justified to achieve meaningful societal change, including riots, looting, arson, assault and murder. Ah shit, I said what I was thinking.”

Player 5: “Welcome all, I’m the mayor of a big city. I always put my subjects’, I mean residents’, safety and prosperity first. I think we need to do away with the police.”

Player 6: “Hi, I’m a Hollywood actor (I may or may not be Alec Baldwin). I’m fortunate enough to have all the right opinions and am thankful for being morally superior to most. If you don’t like it you’ll never work in this town again.”

Player 7: “Hello, I’m a school board member. My primary job is to ensure children learn the true facts about racism and white supremacy so they can right the wrongs of the past. And that’s it! Oh, yes, and I also deal with maths and science and stuff.”

Player 8: “Hi, I’m a proud member of congress. I fight for progressive values, i.e. social, racial, and economic justice. I stand firmly against those in power who seek to divide us.”

The rest of the players introduce themselves. When they’re done with introductions the man in the mask speaks.

“Thank you. The first game is now due to begin.”

———

Game 1: Red Light, Green Light

A tall Asian robot girl stands 100 metres in front of the players. A voice welcomes the players via the speaker system.

“Here is the first game. You will be playing Red Light, Green Light. You may move forward when the robot shouts ‘green light,’ and you must stop when it shouts ‘red light.’ If your movement is detected on red, you will be eliminated. Those players who cross the finish line without being eliminated within the five minute playtime will pass this round.”

The players are ready except for the school board member who is staring at the tall Asian robot girl with concern. Suddenly the robot turns its back and shouts “green light!” The players seize the opportunity to take a few steps forward. The school board member stays put however. She decides to speak up.

“Excuse me little girl. I’m a huge advocate of critical race theory in my school district, and on behalf of everyone here I wanted to extend my deepest apologies that you’re being forced to watch a white person like me play for prize money, and that you aren’t able to take part yourself. I know that you being non-white has everything to do with your being excluded and this blatant racism is unacceptable.”

The Asian robot girl turns around and shouts “red light” and the players freeze. The school board member locks eyes with the robot and feels she’s got through to her. She goes on:

“I’d be honoured for you to join us as …..”

There’s a loud bang. The school board member collapses to the ground with a huge hole in her head.

———

Game 2: Honeycomb

There are four shapes on the wall at the front of the room: a circle, triangle, star, and umbrella. A voice welcomes the players via the speaker system.

“Welcome to the second game. Before the game begins, choose one of the four available shapes on the wall. Once you’ve chosen your shape, please stand in front of it.”

The players stand in front of their respective shapes; the Professor has chosen the umbrella.

The voice continues.

“The shape you have chosen is the shape you must carve from the honeycomb. Your time limit is ten minutes. You will pass if you trim out the shape without cracking or breaking it.”

The players get to work. The Professor however is pondering what he’s heard. Finally he clears his throat and speaks.

“I stand in solidarity with the true and rightful owners of this land: our Native American brothers and sisters. Before the white man came and took their land they never used or needed umbrellas. To include an umbrella therefore is exclusionary and would remind any Native American players amongst us of how they were forced to adapt their way of life to that of the white supremacists. As such I will not be carving one out.”

With that he sits in protest. He is confident though that he’s made his point persuasively and the masked men have been convinced, just as his students would be.

The timer counts down to zero. The players have carved out their shapes successfully except for the Professor. He gets up to leave, proud of how he passed this test.

A masked man walks up to the Professor and points a gun at his head. The Professor looks confused. Didn’t he hear his eloquent argument?

Bang. Blood splatters on the wall.

———

Game 3: Tug of War

Two elevated platforms with a large gap between them and standing twenty metres high tower over the players. A voice welcomes the players via the speaker system.

“I would like to welcome you all to the third game: Tug of War. To win you must pull the rope towards your platform to drop your opponent below.”

The players draw lots and are paired up with their opponents. The HR manager, a five foot five inch female will face the city mayor, a six foot six inch male. She seems quietly confident however.

They’re called up first. The mayor looks her up and down as if she will be easy work. She takes exception to this and decides to enlighten him on the facts of life.

“You do know that all genders are equal and that a female can do any job or task as good as a white male, or even better. I’ve been shattering the glass ceiling my whole life and beating you in tug of war is just another ceiling to shatter.”

He looks bemused.

She snaps back at him. “Beating you will be a piece of cake!…..Oh wait, can’t say that, it could be discriminatory against non cake-eaters.”

She tries again. “Beating you will be straightforward……… Oh, that’s discriminating in favour of straight people.”

She thinks about it. “Um, beating you is on the top of my to do list.”

She is pleased with herself.

They face off and the duel begins. The HR manager starts pulling as hard as she can. The mayor holds steady – exerting minimal effort. He figures he’ll tire her out. The HR manager engages every fibre of her body as she pulls the rope – she’s screeching as she does so.

The mayor’s seen enough and starts pulling in earnest and the HR Manager is instantly dragged several metres forward. He gives one final strong tug and the HR manager flies over the edge and lands on the ground below with a thud. Her body mangled and lifeless.

———

Game 4: Marbles

The players walk into what looks like a makeshift traditional countryside village. A voice welcomes the players via the speaker system.

“Welcome to the fourth game. Players, please take a bag from the staff member in front of you. Each bag contains ten marbles. In this game using your set of ten marbles, you will play the game of your choice with your partner. The player who manages to take all ten marbles from their partner wins.”

The city mayor has paired up with the Antifa terrorist and he feels the need to clear the air with him:

“Hey, I know the fascist right-wing media give you guys a bad rap. But you guys mean well and you’re standing up for what’s right. I admire how you guys stay so calm and respectful when faced with attacks from racists, bigots, and homophobes. You’re a great example of how to protest peacefully and with dignity. Just wanted to get that out of the way and say you’ve got my full respect.”

The Antifa terrorist responds. “Hey, totally man. That’s all we want, justice. Someone needs to stand up to the fascists. I respect you too man.”

He extends his arms to hug the mayor – the mayor seems touched by this gesture and they hug. As they’re hugging the Antifa terrorist sticks a sharp object into the left side of the mayor – right by his heart.

The mayor’s eyes widen and his face turns pale. The Antifa terrorist pulls out the sharp object and drops it in the bushes next to them. As he does so the mayor begins to lose consciousness and utters in a barely audible voice “call the police” before collapsing head first to the ground.

The Antifa terrorist grabs the mayor’s marbles and shows them to the masked man to indicate he’s won the game. The masked man hesitates however. He looks at the dead mayor then at the terrorist before noticing blood on the terrorist’s right hand. When he sees the blood leaking from the mayor he realises what has happened – the rules of the game were broken. He points his gun and pulls the trigger. The Antifa terrorist flops down in a heap next to the mayor.

———

Game 5: Glass Stepping Stones

The players walk into a room with eight mannequins in front of them. Each mannequin has a numbered vest on it. A voice welcomes the players via the speaker system.

“Welcome to the fifth game. Please choose one of the mannequins you see before you. Once you’ve chosen take the corresponding numbered vest. The vests are numbered one to eight.”

After some uncertainty and to and fro’ing the players pick their vests. The member of congress has instinctively picked number one.

The players are led to a massive room with elaborate lighting and two glass walkways running the length of the room. They walkways are roughly twenty metres above ground level.

The voice continues:
“For this game players must cross the glass bridge within sixteen minutes. The stepping stones in front of you are made of two types of glass: one will be tempered glass and the other normal glass. The tempered glass stepping stone is strong enough to hold two people. However the normal glass will break even if just one person stands on it. You will guess which of the two types of glass the stepping stones are made of and only step on those. You may then cross over to the other side safely. The number on your vest is the order in which you will be playing the game.”

The member of congress, who is number one, must go first. She looks around at the other players and notices a black person is numbered last. She speaks up.

“Has no one noticed the injustice here? You don’t find it odd that numbers one to seven are white people and that the only black person amongst us is last at number eight? How did this happen? We need to right the wrongs of history, not perpetuate them, and that means that black people should go first. No more being last in line.”

The black person jumps in. “Nah. I’m all good. Let’s just get started. It’s your turn to go, so make your move.” He looks up at the timer that’s already started ticking.

The member of congress responds. “Listen. I know you’ve been so oppressed your whole life that you think you deserve to be last in line, but you don’t. You deserve to be where I am – at the front. I’m willing to change spots with you you because nothing changes for you and other black people unless people like me step up and do something about it. Change starts here.”

The other players are getting impatient. The timer is ticking down and the member of congress hasn’t moved yet. They shout at her to take her first step.

She replies. “I can’t go first knowing that our black community will get left behind.”

The black man has had enough and grabs the member of congress and throws her on the first glass stepping stone to the left. There is silence, then the sounds of glass cracking. The member of congress screams as she plummets to the ground below.

———

Game 6: Squid Game

Only two players remain. The Hollywood Actor (who may or may not be Alec Baldwin) and the MSNBC host. A voice welcomes the players via the speaker system.

“For the final game you’ll both be playing Squid Game. Let me explain the rules. One, the attacker must enter the squid shape court, run past the defence, and then tap the area inside the squid’s head with his foot to secure the win. Two, the defender must block the attacker’s advance and force them outside of the court’s bounds in order to win. Three, if a situation arises in which either player is unable to continue playing the game, the last one standing will be the winner.”

The two men square off. The MSNBC host can’t hold his tongue any longer and speaks.

“I’m a big fan of your work. Your impression of Trump is gold. Geez, he’s such a dirt bag. All Republicans are. So glad Kamala and Biden are in charged now. I love how Conservatives and Fox News are so butt-hurt about it – I’m like I couldn’t care less about your feelings you nasty, evil dirtbags.”

He changes tone. “By the way, I’m so sorry to hear about what happened on the film set. Terrible accident. That must have been so hard on you. No one should have to go through something like that.”

This last part triggers the actor. “Shut up jerk-off. What makes you think it was an accident? It was the perfect way to get away with murder. Ha ha. And so is this Squid Game. You’re next dipshit.”

With that he thrusts his knife into the open mouth of the MSNBC host who starts to gag, then drops to his knees. He looks up at the actor as if to say ‘why?’ before collapsing awkwardly to the ground.

The Hollywood Actor is elated. “Heck yeah. He’s dead. Did I win? Wooooooo! Hey Trump isn’t behind all this is he? Ha ha. Actually that would make one hell of a Sunday Night Live skit.”

As he’s celebrating a tall well dressed man in his seventies with blonde hair and an orange face appears. He is holding a shotgun, which he points at the actor.

‘Did you miss me?’ he asks. The actor stares at the man in horror.

Bang.


Written by Arcadius Strauss.

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